I believe at this point in 2020 we’ve all experienced some form of anxiety. We are living through unprecedented times and feeling anxious right now is not only normal, but expected to some degree. But, I am going to admit something that could be viewed as controversial. The pandemic has somewhat improved my anxiety. I say somewhat because I still feel anxious about the uncertainty we live through each day. But over the last nine months the toxic habits I had practiced in my daily life pre-pandemic, that caused me crippling anxiety, have become exponentially better. This year forced me to really rethink my life and how I’ve continually put myself in situations that made me feel I needed to put my own needs and feelings aside, resulting in depression and anxiety.
I have always had an anxious personality. I am a serial people pleaser with an incredible talent for lying. These attributes make it very hard for me to be honest with people, and myself. They say you should always listen to your gut. Well I like to tell my gut to piss off. I choose to forge ahead because I am obstinate even to my own feelings. I pride myself on excelling at being around people or in a place I really do not like and acting like everything is great. I always thought this made me look agreeable. In fact, it just made me incredibly sad and anxious inside. For a very long time I have felt trapped in friendships, professions and places because I felt it was too difficult to be honest. I mean what are you supposed to say? Was I supposed to go to people and say “Hey, I feel anxious when I am around you/this place. I can’t do this anymore.” That sounds easy, but I cared way too much what people thought of me so I kept quiet and became increasingly anxious year after year.
In February 2019, I woke up one evening to hives on my back. I had no idea what they were since I have no known allergies and I had never experienced this condition before. I went to the doctor and they ran many, many, many tests. I was not allergic to anything and my bloodwork looked fine. By April 2019 I was living with hives all over my body every day. On really special days they would cover my face, which would result in my throat closing up and a trip to the ER.
After a year of hives I was not in the best place in my life mentally or physically. When the order was given to stay home in March 2020 and the level of anxiety globally became palpable, I worried that my already anxious nature would reach new levels. But you know what happened? The hives and anxiety went away. I called my doctor and discussed this with him at length. He had been suspicious that I might have had adrenal fatigue. Basically, in order to get through my day, I had to pump myself up so much that by mid-morning my adrenaline was totally depleted and my body revolted, thus resulting in hives. My doctor’s prognosis forced me to finally admit to myself that pretending to be happy and agreeable was no longer an option.
What I experienced for a year of my life is not uncommon. Stress hives are unfortunately a condition that many women will experience at some point in their lives. I realize now it shouldn’t have taken a pandemic for me to realize I was living a mentally unsustainable life. For now, the toxic relationships that were causing me anxiety have faded away and the jobs that I “wanted,” but did not want, do not exist. Eventually though we will return to some sense of normalcy. I am working on being honest with myself about what I need to feel safe and relaxed in all future endeavors.
I am by no means saying in this piece that my anxiety is gone. My anxiety has been simmering beneath the surface for a very long time and I know I cannot rid myself of it overnight. Admitting to mental health issues is terrifying, which is why I kept quiet for so long. Even when I was in the ER with an oxygen mask on, I pretended my anxiety did not exist. I share this story with you because it is critical that we work together to destigmatize mental health. We need to allow people to feel sad, anxious, or depressed out loud. We need to allow people to work through their feelings without judgement. If we cannot talk about it, then we cannot take the steps necessary to help ourselves, and others.
